hahaha, WOW.  just spent the past half hour looking through YEARS of xanga entries.  even the words from my more recent entries seem unfamiliar.  it's amusing how much we've all changed over the years (or months).  definitely.

and it's completely satisfying.

should have done this a long time ago, but peace kids.

nobody really calls me anymore.  well, that's not entirely true.  the people that do call me i usually hit the ignore button.  not anything personal.  it's just that the people i'm closest with now prefer texting over talking on the phone so much that i simply squirm when i have to hold a conversation over the phone.  (hah, this is amusing because in real life i can't shut up in a conversation.)  it's unfortunate that this generation has replaced talking face-to-face (or voice-to-voice) with texting, AIM, facebook, DENG DENG (chinese plug)...  why can't we just get over ourselves and communicate what used to be the normal way.  darn technology ruining our social skillz.

my grandma seems really disappointed in me.  i don't usually care for her constant negative comments, but she repeatedly lectures me of how i have learned bad habits from school and how i don't have my heart into my studies because when she looks at me all she sees is my newly discovered cartiledge as well as my "black" (it's dark brown) nail polish.  my mom thinks my nails are an evil color and my dad just asks of me to put on clear nail polish.  it even bothered me more when my mom asked what she did wrong in my upbringing that i would wear this colored nail polish and want to get another piercing.  actually, she always questions what she did wrong everytime i do something that doesn't make her a happy camper.  i get frustrated with these rhetoricals because my choices now should not reflect how she raised me (which i think she did a fine job), but rather, should reflect on my personality and character.  it's difficult to settle in the middle when our parents find certain things repulsive while those unappealing things to them are pretty fly in our generation.  i don't know.

reflections on this past semester?  overall, i'm doing better in school (another chinese plug, the chiang-n-ator was not kidding when she said my 14 absences will affect my grade... dang).  but that doesn't mean i'm not screwed anymore.  because i am.  i'm just really looking forward to this semester of better classes, better professors, and a smaller group of friends.  right?  with everyone abroad, i would like to think i am going to have an easier time focusing.  but somehow, deep down inside i know i am going to be even more distracted to find more people to waste time with.  anyways, i'm actually quite proud of myself as to how i handled myself socially this semester.  i'm kind of keeping on the dl and spending more time in my room (but still wasting it all).  consequently, i haven't been involved as much drama.  which is always a plus.  i mended a friendship or two.  i wasn't as demanding and manipulative with myself in social scenes.  no screwing around.  hah, that's for sure.  i want to live even a more simple life.  and focus.

resolutions 2009:
+ communicate with the rents at least once a week.  just have to.
+ refuse people's requests more often.  so, be more selfish.
+ try to make it to large group/family group more often.
+ be nice.  drop the number of nasty, sarcastic comments.
+ floss.  no.  more.  fillings.  please.
+ be a better role model in my leadership roles.  attitude check, yo.
+ take it easy on the bitterness.  don't let mean thoughts make me angry.  well, don't have mean thoughts period.
+ tend to my health.  got to get these knees back up and running.  eat healthy, look healthy, breathe healthy.
+ spend more time with a particular group of friends.  don't abandon and hermit crab myself in my room.
+ get some homework done before practices.
+ hang out with more guys for the sake of my sanity.  too much estrogen on campus (duh).  this break helped me realize how much i miss having brothers to chill with.  it's refreshing.

more to be added...

tonight was (somewhat of) a success.  whew, it's over.  we're done.

time for sleep... mmm.

how have i let myself come to this point?  i'm slowly losing grip of what "reality" means in my life and it is scary that it took a recent series of events to make me come to this realization.  lines everywhere are extremely fuzzy and hold no definitions.

AND I'M STRESSED.  over some event i have to organize.  which has caused some light damage to some of my friendships.  that's really sad.  i wish i had the balls (what?) to stand up for myself.  i want to be blessed with the gift of speech.  why can i not formulate my feelings into words other human beings can comprehend?  my brain sucks.

also, there are alot of people who do not deserve my attention, care and concern at all.  and yet, i still shed lots of love for them.  why do i let myself fall into the same vicious cycle?  i can do better than this.

someone else sided with my original thoughts of how college is really another repeat of high school.  she also agreed that college is not supposed to be "the best 4 years of your life".  good, so it wasn't just me.  and i'm not going that crazy here.  she theorizes that it is after college/settling down in a stable job when your best years come to life.  i can't wait to turn 23.  and i don't want to turn 29.

this whole experience is just so sad.

and i don't want to spend winter break alone with my dad at home.  and i definitely don't want to spend part of my winter break with my dad in florida.  california, here i come.

good night.

yay yay yay yay!!!  i'm coming home todayyy!!!  getting picked up by my favorite girls then making the best last weekend ever before everyone boogies down with their own college life... ugh don't want next week to come...

i'm really considering doing rugby again this season, despite whatever feelings i had towards the team last year.  not only did my coach email me asking me to come back but the captain offered me the position of being her 8-man.  which means i would have full playing time on the pitch.  ahhh!  how can i say no to that?  i don't know... still dilly-dallying over whether or not i should.  we shall see.  well, at least i know i'll be for sure staying here only for the sake of my future.  two years down, two more to go.

this week's leadership retreat was actually what pushed me over to deciding to stay.  i don't think i can even formulate the words of how much i appreciate the experience i had this week.  i have definitely emerged from it with a brand new perspective on why i am here.  that doesn't mean i'm in love with this school (i don't think i ever could be), but it just means things will work out and i have faith that they will.  i have met some amazing leaders on campus, who, for the majority, i used to fear them.  haha.  i have never felt so comfortable speaking up and contributing to so much dialogue as i did this week.  let's just hope i can continue to build on this new-found confidence for whatever future roles i will hold this year.  above all, pushing academics and my health aside, i want to seriously work on my character, as it is the root of my personality. 

things to be thankful for: my big room and its beautiful view, my neighbor, a few athletes i was really estatic to see, the other 13 leaders in the retreat, me being a junior (dang yo) and alumni.

it's just been a good, clear week.  time to shower, eat lunch then catch the train!

EDIT -- 3:18AM

i just stayed up watching while you were sleeping.  definitely one of my favorite movies.  and it's an OLD movie too.